Virgin birth prompts review of abstinence-only programmes
Mon, 28 Dec 2009
Judean officials have confirmed reports of a pregnant teenager giving birth today despite new abstinence-only programmes now entering their second year of running.
Sony Music Entertainment achieves UK Christmas #1
Mon, 21 Dec 2009
In a neck and neck dash for the country's most pretigious award, Sony Music Entertainment finally came out on top with the UK best-selling single for Christmas over close rival: Sony Music Entertainment.
Local authorities remove oxygen from town centres
Mon, 14 Dec 2009
Millions of proud Britons all over England, and some parts of Wales, have not only been disallowed from celebrating Christmas by the government, but are now being told that they are no longer allowed to respire with oxygen - our national gas for centuries.
Tory Party's Nanny In Fraudulent Claims Kerfuffle
Mon, 02 Nov 2009
The Conservative Party's last remaining woman of toil has been forced to defend her conduct after it emerged that she has been accused of financial indiscretions regarding her second home.
40-Year-Old Beatles Songs Discovered In The Charts
Mon, 28 Sep 2009
Music pundits and the listening public alike were feeling fine today as Apple Corp announced the discovery of hundreds of Beatles songs in the upper reaches of the Top 40. However, experts have expressed doubts as to their authenticity.
Sir Richard Branson unveils Virgin University
Mon, 21 Sep 2009
After its worst financial year in over six months, Nottingham Trent could be a target of a takeover bid by Virgin to rescue and rebrand the struggling educational establishment.
Leading Shampoo Brands now "More Nutritious than Cereal"
Mon, 14 Sep 2009
News has emerged this morning that the nutritional content of shampoo is often higher than that of breakfast cereals.
Man arrested for killing his mother in Essex
Mon, 07 Sep 2009
An unbalanced man from the village of Tilty, Essex wanted for murdering his own mother in the county last week was picked up by Northumberland authorities today as he was attempting to flee to France.
Government looks to glasses ban to curb violence
Mon, 31 Aug 2009
Despite protests from those not so keen on the idea, the Government squeezed out an early day movement this morning that looks to ban glasses in pubs by 2011.
John Lewis Decimates Business Landscape With "2.0" Bombshell
Mon, 24 Aug 2009
The John Lewis Partnership today announced plans to revolutionise retail by updating the business model of their 27 department stores across the UK to catch up to the Internet age.
East London DIY Shop Reported As Difficult To Locate
Mon, 17 Aug 2009
The blackened, sooty streets of Shadwell
Glowed in ochre, dingy dark
and twisted, inky shades were formed
with Lucifer's heretic mark...
Were Vikings the first on the moon?
Mon, 10 Aug 2009
The authenticity of 15th century Viking map clearly depicting the moon five centuries before Neil Armstrong's arrival has been confirmed by a great Dane.
Field Geologist Considers Lunch
Mon, 03 Aug 2009
Experienced geologist Dr Petro Logical, 46, revealed yesterday to his field colleagues that he was thinking about putting down his hammer and having some lunch.
Anniversary of Moon Landing Reignites Conspiracy Claims
Mon, 27 Jul 2009
Previously waning lunacy was in full view this month as the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission sparked up fresh controversy over whether or not the moon was faked.
Ashes Series In Chaos After Mishap
Mon, 20 Jul 2009
The Ashes test series between England and Australia was thrown into disarray this afternoon after it was revealed that the urn had been knocked over last night and its contents lost.
Google Announces Web-Based Pie and Mash
Mon, 13 Jul 2009
Search engine giant Google has achieved another technological feat by unveiling the world's first online pie and mash shop.
Monkeys excel at grammar
Mon, 06 Jul 2009
Studies on monkeys have shown their grasp of grammar to outshine that of the average 14-16 year old.
OED to remove word "gullible"
Mon, 29 Jun 2009
It's been the time-honoured joke of the schoolyards, workplaces and even safari parks: "gullible is not in the dictionary." The irony stems from the fact that only the gullible would believe such a claim, but the Oxford English Dictionary team are seeking to bring an end to this long-running mirth device.
Budget Woes for Beekeepers
Mon, 27 Apr 2009
The National Union of Beekeepers released a statement this morning attacking the chancellor's budget for its inclusion of a five pence increase in bee tax.
Fire Chief Warns Over Miniature Fire Truck Danger
Fri, 10 Apr 2009
The head of the fire service in England and Kent has expressed his reservations over the deployment of 4-foot fire engines in the fight against conflagrations.
World's Youngest Baby Born
Fri, 03 Apr 2009
A dilapidated hospital earmarked for destruction was celebrating today after hosting the birth of the world's youngest ever baby.
Shadow Minister: Government has "eaten all the pies"
Mon, 30 Mar 2009
Parliament yesterday erupted into chaos after a member of the shadow cabinet accused the current Government of having eaten "all the pies".
Environment Minister Admits "I Have No Idea What I'm Doing"
Fri, 27 Mar 2009
At a shiny press conference this morning, Vera O'Rally-Spectacular, Minister for the Environment, confessed that she had no clue as to how to perform her role effectively.
Bruce Springsteen Declared Sharia Compliant
Mon, 23 Mar 2009
In a major blow to shirt-wearing rifle patriots across the lower states, hero Bruce Springsteen was declared compatible with the teachings of the Koran by the UK's foremost Sharia court.
Punctuation Error Causes Train Derailment
Fri, 20 Mar 2009
17 people were injured, some lightly, when a commuter train derailed at Tring this morning, causing widespread delays across the entire rail network and to some shipping lanes.
Minister Criticised for 'Bashing Bishop'
Mon, 16 Mar 2009
Shock and awe spread throughout the House of Commons yesterday as the Minister for Mammals, David Spert, was heard making derogatory remarks about a senior member of the Church of England.
Business Chiefs Announce Merger
Fri, 13 Mar 2009
Excitement was approaching today when the leaders of two of Britain's largest companies announced that they were going to meld together.
Economic Crisis Forces Golf Courses to Reduce Number Of Holes
Wed, 11 Mar 2009
Mild reductions of bonuses at large financial companies, caused by stern headlines in the Daily Mail, have curtailed the feel-good fancy free attitudes of bankers everywhere, and it's the golf courses who are suffering.
'Things not what they used to be,' says study
Mon, 09 Mar 2009
A study recently commissioned by the British Legion has confirmed that several aspects of modern culture such as fashion, values and mainstream music have changed over the last six decades.
Telescope Discovers Earth-Like "Sauna World"
Thu, 05 Mar 2009
An astronomical telesope in the Canary Islands has discovered the first known health spa on an extra-solar planet, it was reported this week.
Runcorn Honoured in Video Game Legacy
Mon, 02 Mar 2009
Locals to the Cheshire town of Runcorn today received news of an accolade of a very high order as they were chosen as the namesake of a new character in the Pokemon video game series, produced by Nintendo.
Met Office Announces Upgrade Of The Weather
Thu, 26 Feb 2009
The Met Office has today announced a multi-million pound program designed to improve the UK's weather.
Famous Singer Caught Banking in Public Toilets
Mon, 23 Feb 2009
The entertainment industry shat itself this morning when reports leaked out that a famous singer had been arrested last night for financial indecency.
Virgin Broadband Customer Loads Google
Thu, 19 Feb 2009
An ecstatic customer of a well-known internet service provider announced today to a packed press conference that Google had finally loaded.
Serial Killers 'Very Sorry' for Mass Murder
Mon, 16 Feb 2009
Police recordings released under the Freedom from Information Act 2010 have revealed the surprising accounts of several convicted serial killers apologising for their actions.
Prostitutes More Smarter Than Previously Thought
Thu, 12 Feb 2009
A group of some scientists have revealed that prostitutes have a sophisticated grasp of mathematics, including the discovery of concepts hitherto unknown to mainstream research.
"Iced Rain" Baffles Scientists
Mon, 09 Feb 2009
Scientists in the UK are still unable to explain the unusual shift in weather experienced throughout much of the country over the last week.
Police Chief Calls For Abolition Of The Moon
Thu, 05 Feb 2009
The Metropolitan Police today called for the Moon to be removed from existence after numerous working problems were experienced by their forces.
Police Constable sectioned in Nottingham
Mon, 02 Feb 2009
A member of the Nottingham Constabulary was today admitted to a local psychiatric ward after a series of reports questioning his state of mind.
Local Man Decides Not To "B&Q It"
Thu, 29 Jan 2009
A North Stratford man has taken a decisive stand against the age-old home refurbishment edict by deciding not to use B&Q as the supplier for his minor home improvement projects.
Economics teaching under scrutiny in US
Mon, 26 Jan 2009
The Kansas school board came under significant pressure this week over the content taught in economics lessons in its schools.