Business Chiefs Announce Merger

Tue 03 February 2015
By ChrisH

Excitement was approaching today when the leaders of two of Britain’s largest companies announced that they were going to meld together.

David Axe, CEO of Corporate Leisure Impalements, and Bill String, chairman of Liquid-Based Ethanol Endrinkment Solutions Ltd, spoke today at a joint press conference revealing their intentions to fuse their vital organs into a single, malleable individual.

Business leaders in this country have been the public’s whipping boys for many months,’ said Mr Axe, ‘and my partner and I have decided to put an end to this situation by announcing this merger. The aquisition of the operations arm of Mr String’s body, by my own, is intended to create a streamlined, attractive model to better withstand the vibrations of the corporate violin.’ ‘Our companies are natural partners,’ agreed Mr String, ‘and it is essential that we are able to work together to ride out the tough wave of no money effectively. The best way to achieve this is for us to undergo extensive surgery to create a fantastic dual human.’

It is thought that the procedure would constitute an aggressive takeover bid for Mr String’s cranial areas and thighs by a consortium of Mr Axe and some surgeons, likely backed by a set of complex instruments. The head, or ‘nodule’, of the subject’s body would then be progressively devalued and several slices of the initiator’s brain data inserted. Given the overlapping business interests of the relevant arms of the two companies, there is likely to be some duplication of resources; more specifically, lots of duplication. As a result, reductions in size will need to be made, although analysts say that this will largely be achieved by natural wastage, with compulsory loss of staff and body tissue kept to a minimum.

This event will mark the first time that such an operation has been attempted, and details of the plan are scant, however the companies in question both have vast capital pools. The resultant uber-organisation is therefore likely to pursue a rapid hostile aquisition of the nearest dog food processing facility. Publicans have speculated that the cost of the entire procedure could run into billions of something. Commentators themselves have given mixed responses to the news. ‘I’m quite mixed about it’, said John Motson. Murray Walker’s estate was unable to comment with the required amount of enthusiasm, and Tony Gubba’s response was incorrect.

It is difficult to describe the kinds of hideous, neurotic wrangling that took place behind the scenes in this deal. Mr Axe’s company, a recreational stabbing specialist, has a very strong market base in the London region. Axe himself is known as one of the corporate world’s most enlightened pianists, and would have beaten down with every shred of his fibre any aggressive bid by String’s company. String himself is likely to have been on the ropes for much of the proceedings as it went eventually to the wire. Others say that String fought back cannily, and that the deal was hanging by a thread until a cabled bond exchange released Axe’s head from the block and the pendulum swung back.

The outcome of the man-meld is awaited excitedly by the Bank of England, who have a sweepstake.