Economic Crisis Forces Golf Courses to Reduce Number Of Holes

Tue 03 February 2015
By Carl

Mild reductions of bonuses at large financial companies, caused by stern headlines in the Daily Mail, have curtailed the feel-good fancy free attitudes of bankers everywhere, and it’s the golf courses who are suffering.

Once, hitting the fairway was enough to avoid the obstacles, but old favourites like the water hazard have been joined by a swathe of bleary-eyed bankers. Angry old men used to be considered a staple of the golfing experience. Now, they are finding themselves upstaged by angry middle-aged men.

Gary Quickwin works at Shortsighted Holdings. “It’s hard. We only have our salaries to live on, and who can manage on six figures alone? It’s a disgrace.” He paused to berate his caddy. “I didn’t plan ahead and have no savings, and I also have a huge house. Who’s going to pay for that I ask you?”

His colleague, Tony Dontlook-Toohard, nodded in agreement. “It’s like, I do all this work inventing money from nothing, right, and now I’m not getting to keep it. Where’s the justice?”

They are not the only ones. All across Fritteraway Park, there are hundreds of disgruntled investment bankers and economists.

Who is the worst affected by this crisis however? The golf course owners themselves. A spokesman for the International Golfcourse Operators Association spoke to WAFTI News earlier today. “It’s terrible,” he said. “We can’t stock Blue Label in the clubhouse any more, noone buys it. Everyone’s back on Maker’s Mark. We’ve had no choice but to reduce the number of holes - we just can’t afford to pay someone to rake the cigarette butts out of the bunkers any more.”

Asked whether the players themselves were upset at this, he responded “Not really - they’re just happier with their lower par. Noone seems to have noticed that actually there’s less than they think there is.”