Local Man Decides Not To “B&Q It”

Sun 01 February 2015
By ChrisH

A North Stratford man has taken a decisive stand against the age-old home refurbishment edict by deciding not to use B&Q as the supplier for his minor home improvement projects.

The years-old inane advertising slogan encouraged its listeners to repair to their nearest B&Q store and ‘do it’ with their selection of DIY ephemera, but Tony Ottoman-Sideboard decided to rise above the innuendo and reject B&Q’s philosophy.

It always seemed to me that B&Q and their competitors had been fixing prices on chipboard’, said Mr Ottoman-Sideboard, a part-time conspiracy theorist, ‘and so I decided to renounce the entire industry and only use organic produce in my wardrobing.’ Mr Ottoman-Sideboard was reluctant to say where his organic products were sourced, but his estranged cousin and former business partner, Roger Flatpack, from Cheadle, was happy to speak to WAFTI.

Tony’s always been a bit of a leftie,’ said Mr Flatpack, now Minister for Chemical Affairs, ‘and always stood out in our family. I’m not one to eulogise on family history, but the great Statesman himself had no problems with mass-produced softwood fixtures.’ Mr Flatpack refused to elaborate further.

The reason for Mr Ottoman-Sideboard’s actions remain a mystery. B&Q ceased the offending advertising campaign several years ago, and the company has since concentrated its efforts in claiming that they are the cheapest company around for all DIY purchases, whether the claim is true or not.