Science News

  1. Field Geologist Considers Lunch

    Experienced geologist Dr Petro Logical, 46, revealed yesterday to his field colleagues that he was thinking about putting down his hammer and having some lunch.

    Dr Logical, based in Wapping, was in Canada at the time of the incident, investigating speciments of Nectocaris in part of the Burgess Shale Formation ...

  2. Police Chief Calls For Abolition Of The Moon

    The Metropolitan Police today called for the Moon to be removed from existence after numerous working problems were experienced by their forces.

    Coleman Balls, the Deputy Assistant Commissioner, called on theorists to reconsider the position and effectiveness of the Moon, as it was proving a threat to effective policing in ...

  3. Prostitutes More Smarter Than Previously Thought

    A group of some scientists have revealed that prostitutes have a sophisticated grasp of mathematics, including the discovery of concepts hitherto unknown to mainstream research.

    Research carried out by psychoscientists at Brixton University has demonstrated that prostitutes only ever congregate on street corners in prime numbers. Prior to this, it ...

  4. Things not what they used to be,” says study

    A study recently commissioned by the British Legion has confirmed that several aspects of modern culture such as fashion, values and mainstream music have changed over the last six decades.

    Several claims have been made by aged pressure groups for a number of years, but this is the first time ...

  5. Virgin birth prompts review of abstinence-only programmes

    Judean officials have confirmed reports of a pregnant teenager giving birth today despite new abstinence-only programmes now entering their second year of running.

    Sources close to King Herod informed WAFTI that they received news this morning that a teenager named Mary has in fact successfully given birth in the small ...

  6. Were Vikings the first on the moon?

    The authenticity of 15th century Viking map clearly depicting the moon five centuries before Neil Armstrong’s arrival has been confirmed by a great Dane.

    The map has been terribly controversial since its discovery in 1988, at which time it was dismissed as Roman Catholic tomfoolery intended to discredit Christopher ...

  7. Anniversary of Moon Landing Reignites Conspiracy Claims

    Previously waning lunacy was in full view this month as the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission sparked up fresh controversy over whether or not the moon was faked.

    On July 20th, 1969, the United States landed the first white, male human beings on the surface of the Earth ...

  8. Monkeys excel at grammar

    Studies on monkeys have shown their grasp of grammar to outshine that of the average 14-16 year old.

    The journal Monkey Tales has today published research in which cotton-top tamarins were able to spot incorrect syntax and word usage far better than the average GCSE student.

    They familiarised the monkeys ...

  9. Iced Rain” Baffles Scientists

    Scientists in the UK are still unable to explain the unusual shift in weather experienced throughout much of the country over the last week.

    The British Isles has always been home to much wetness, but its residents were faced over the last seven days with a rather unusual difference. Since ...

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