Music pundits and the listening public alike were feeling fine today as Apple Corp announced the discovery of hundreds of Beatles songs in the upper reaches of the Top 40. However, experts have expressed doubts as to their authenticity.
The initial announcement of the discovery was made by James Female, a hardback writer and part-time Conservative councillor from Upminster. ‘I’ve been an admirer of The Rolling Beatles for as long as I can remember,’ he told WAFTI. ‘I happened to be sitting at home browsing the interweb when I accidentally typed in the wrong website navigation code and found myself looking at the front screen of something called Amazon. And there I saw listed this huge box of rock and roll song-cycles by Ringo and the rest. I couldn’t believe it, quite frankly, so I quickly pinged off an e-letter to Apple Corp and within minutes it was all over the RSSSSS feeds.’
Things that happened in the 60s
- 1961: the USSR became the first nation to be transported into space
- 1963: President Kennedy announces he is to have an affair
- 1965: Bob Dylan spots a cow at the Newport Folk Festival
- 1969: The 60s are finally outlawed as pointless
The Beatles were thought to be a band, invented in the early 1960s, although little else is known of their career and work. Folklorists’ writings and vagrants’ tales form much of the small amount of information available. Songs generally accepted to have been written by them include the far-sighted animal rights anthem ‘I Am The Walrus’ and the wedding party favourite ‘Hey, Bulldog’. They are speculated, however, to have produced more than two songs; indeed, experts have said that one in every 8 people may have heard one at some point in their lives.
It is understood that the find, thought to be the first find of its kind, contains most of the Beatles’ back catalogue, but musicologists speculate that they may not, in fact, be authentic original recordings. ‘My colleagues and I have been studying these records since they were first brought to our attention,’ said Dr Adrian Bong, of the London College of Music and a world expert on music. ‘The mood at first was electric. We tried to act naturally, but, whatever. However, after a more analytical approach ensued, we realised that what we were hearing could not be authentic.’
Dr Bong theorises that the recordings may have been tampered with by some form of electronic agent, prior to being transferred onto separate media and sold on to the public. ‘Although we have absolutely no way of knowing this for certain, we feel sure that the waveforms have been digitally tweaked, fixing holes, if you will,’ said Dr Bong, ‘and hence, what can be heard on these discs is perhaps not identical to what the group originally laid onto tape. This, of course, does not affect in any way the sheer apathy of a large cross-section of the music-listening public to this find.’
It is not known how long the collection will remain within the top 40, but the Met Office has speculated that a new girl band is showing signs of forming somewhere in the Southeast of the country within the next decade or so, which may have a significant impact on the masters’ placing within the hit parade.
WAFTI has not been able to investigate, verify or establish via hear’say any of the information previously stated in this article, but the board of directors of WAFTI’s parent organisation, HP Bulmer Ltd, is adamant that it’s all true.