caption “These are all mine,” says judge
In a major blow to shirt-wearing rifle patriots across the lower states, hero Bruce Springsteen was declared compatible with the teachings of the Koran by the UK’s foremost Sharia court.
The Boss was said to be “intrigued” by the fatwa, which will now permit the playing of one of his albums during Islamic bank holidays. His family are also said to be alive and well at time of going to the Gutenberg. “This is a great big boon to us all,” said Springsteen, megalomaniacally.
The decree was somewhat surprising, in the light of past animosity towards Him by every non-American — this includes Muslims and possibly some parakeets. Parakeets were not noted as fans of Himself prior to the 1970s, which was presumably when he released his first records. It is speculated that he has released several albums since. Astonishment was also expressed by some Springsteen analysts at the fact that the American midwest gave an excreted monkey-toss about what the UK’s opinion might be on something. No explanation has yet been offered by the spokesman for the midwest.
The director of the Muslim Religion of Dudley, Dr Wang Ping, confirmed “Something about this whole thing didn’t strike us as kosher, which was the final straw that clinched the albatross brain-fart.” He contradicted himself with an official press release via a Printmaster 3000, stating “Islamists will welcome this decision by the Sharia Court of Britain to recognise the wonder and beauty of His creations.”
Whilst the playing of His music will be permitted during public holidays, his fast songs must be confined to daylight hours. This is due to the fact that tempos above 130bpm (bodies per minaret) have been shown, via studies, to affect the geological structure of the bedrock in certain areas of the oil-rich states, something which America is keen to avoid. “It is paramount that the middle eastern area is kept as stable as possible, and we will do anything within our power to ensure this,” our American spokesman told us.
The news will be a blow to Yusuf Islam, who has actually been striving for this accolade for several years. Other artists known to have been shortlisted for potential Sharia compliance include Cliff Richard, the Israeli Breakfast Quartet and the DJ Vishnu Experience.