Sony Music Entertainment achieves UK Christmas #1

Sun 20 December 2009
By Ross

In a neck and neck dash for the country’s most pretigious award, Sony Music Entertainment finally came out on top with the UK best-selling single for Christmas over close rival: Sony Music Entertainment.

The surprise win was part of a campaign on Facebook and other social networking sites to get Sony Music Entertainment to the godly number one spot in protest at yet another number one from Sony Music Entertainment.

The UK number one selling single was announced at 7pm on Sunday by the Queen as part of her popular culture round-up of 2009 on Radio Four. She remarked it as being a historic moment in the entire Commonwealth and a real testament to the power of the people. She noted it as dwarfing lesser events such as the Storming of the Bastille and the miners’ strikes in the 1980s.

Finally, after all the historic, but frankly rubbish, events of people organising to make a difference to their world, we have something we can hold up as a shining example of human achievement. All those involved should pat themselves on the back, but I suspect they already have, ” rambled her Majesty.

For the past five years, Sony Music Entertainment has had that Christmas number one spot with its manufactured pop music,” says Richard Porcupine, founder of the group “Sod Sony; let’s get Sony to number one!” on Facebook.

It’s refreshing to get Sony Music Entertainment to number one instead as a fart in the face of crap music and capitalism. I am proud to have spear-headed this campaign and I think everyone who made the effort to download a whole MP3 should be proud too.”

Fans and supporters of the group are said to be “mental” with delight at the news. One fan tells WAFTI: “I’m just so well glad we’ve made such a difference in our world tonight. I’m proud to bring up my children in a world with the majority of the country agreeing with my personal taste in music. This must be how the Germans felt when the Berlin Wall fell.”

Mr. Porcupine’s group was the fastest growing group on Facebook, far outdoing groups such as “A campaign to end the war in Afghanistan”, “People opposed to the Digital Economy Bill” and “We support curing cancer, saving sick puppies, declaring world peace and methods to convert human pollution into gold.”

I think people latched onto our cause as the most worthy for backing,” drones Dick Porcupine over his Twitter account. “People saw something terribly wrong with our world and worked their hardest to fix it. Until today, people had to endure the hardship of a song they didn’t like being the UK number one single.”

A press release from Sony Music Entertainment describes the company as “chuffed” that they came out on top against Sony Music Entertainment. “The best way to win in a free market is to get competition between two of your own products,” laughed fat cat, Simon Custard over a large class of Château Latour.

Killjoy tosspots formed an apathy-driven campaign called “We don’t give a flying panda’s testicle what the number one is” on Facebook, but not on Twitter as the title alone exceeded the character limit for Twitter posts.

Their campaign manager finally got back to our enquiries last week with the statement: “we really don’t care.” Critics have called his words “succinct” and “missing the point.”

Rumours have indicated that Richard Porcupine may be nominated for the Nobel Prize for twattery.