Telescope Discovers Earth-Like “Sauna World”

Tue 03 February 2015
By ChrisH

An astronomical telesope in the Canary Islands has discovered the first known health spa on an extra-solar planet, it was reported this week.

The announcement is a shot in the arm for beleagured health chiefs, who have emerged as an unexpected casualty of the recent economic downturn.

As a result of the contraction of the economy in recent months, we have seen a dramatic decline in the number of people being sent to us requiring healing’, said Dr Mehkmi Lesille, of the Kent Primary Care Trust, ‘but we have been unable so far to fully capitalise on this. ‘We’ve closed huge numbers of wards and spend vast amounts of money hiring, training and paying off managers over the last decade in preparation for this, but we are still falling well short of government targets. What the health corporation in this country really needs now is to offload even more patients to lower class facilities, so we can continue our program of utter obliviousness to what Britain’s ageing population needs. We hope that this new discovery may be the key.’

The discovery of the new health complex was a serendipitous event. Astronomers at the Galileo National Telescope complex in La Palma were scanning a sector of the sky known as ‘sigma phi beta’, which is known to contain above-average numbers of rocking-out party planets, but they have discovered among them a new planet, whose surface is covered entirely by saunas. Its discovery was announced by an international coalition of scientists at a press conference in Tenerife, inexplicably hosted by Bob Holness.

Positive identification was difficult because of noise pollution within the sector,’ said Prof. Harlow Essex, the planet’s co-discoverer. ‘but we were able to make use of very recent noise-reducing algorithms and after that it was a piece of piss.’

The planet is located over 65 light-years from Earth, and scientists are currently investigating the best method of transportation. Due to its remote location, traditional space-travel methods like titanium escalators fall just too short of the required range, so researchers are studying the idea of simply throwing people there. ‘Geoff Capes has already shown an interest in the task,’ said Prof. Essex, ‘and we are investigating the feasibility of encasing overweight patients in hollow tree trunks to achieve good aerodynamic efficiency.’ Patients would be expected to provide their own entertainment for the long journey, likely to last millions of years.

As for the sauna world itself, early indications suggest that it is likely to match the luxury of the best that Earth has to offer. Analysis has shown that the planet has large natural deposits of receptionists, and several thick layers of small, square towels around its equator. Researchers also say that they have tentative evidence suggesting the presence of German women, but this has been denied by project leaders. Health workers remain generally upbeat about the discovery, however. ‘If we can offload all our ill people onto this planet and earn twice as much for the privilege, only then will I be happy,’ said Dr Lesille.