Darling Budget Scuppers Plans to Run Cars on Cider

Wed 24 March 2010
By Ross

The rising practice of circumventing UK fuel duty by converting vehicles to run on cider has come under attack from Chancellor Alistair Darling in his final Budget before the election.

An increase of 10% above inflation has been announced for the duty on ciders this year.

Over the last 12 months, several rural cider makers have supplemented their incomes by selling off surplus amounts of their stronger products as an alternative to petrol.

The Discovery was first made by Matthew Bramley during a gala in his home town of Knobbed Russet, Sussex. He was notably not fond of green apples, but found the red delicious, so would make cider from them. On first tasting of a new batch, his wife Katy remarked that it tasted like petrol.

The fruitful scheme requires some conversion work to be carried out on the core of the car’s engine, but a cider-powered family car saves its owner an average of £20bn a year — up to 50% of the average household’s total credit debt.

However, the latest measures laid out in the Darling Budget seek to close what the Chancellor refers to as a “loophole” to avoid the tax on petroleum.

If we allow people to use alternative materials as fuel, then we will lose millions to fuel duty not paid,” WAFTI assumes he said.

Those most affected are companies based entirely on cider-fueled transporation, such as Braeburn Buses — a business based in Bedford, bringing biofuel benefits to Bedfordshire-bound beings.

It’s daylight roggery,” fumes Managing Director, John Yak, using the letter ‘g’ where he has run out of ‘b’s due to using up all of his in the company slogan. “I can’t gelieve those gastards are trying to gleed more money out of us like this. I don’t like this one git.”

The public awaits a response from David Cameron on the report, which many experts are predicting to be “untelligible”.