At a shiny press conference this morning, Vera O’Rally-Spectacular, Minister for the Environment, confessed that she had no clue as to how to perform her role effectively.
She went on to admit she’s not even sure how she got the job nor why she’s been able to stay in it for so long. A stunned and damp audience of rampant journalists immediately pounced on her, verbally. She was forced to admit that she was given the job because she had been the only candidate who did not get lost on the way to the interview.
“I was a complete failure at almost everything,” she observed. Her former headmaster, now her private secretary, agreed. “Even on the journey here today, I tripped over seven times, and lost my housekeys twice. Further, these files in my hand mean nothing to me. They might be important government white papers for all I know.”
This revelation has come about during recent criticism of the government’s attitude towards environmental issues. Pressure group Stupid Planes said “We have always maintained that this government thinks that the environment is silly. This announcement today only provides further proof that they have been really naughty.” Ms O’Rally-Spectacular admitted herself that she was not environmentally aware, having thought it was a brand of cough medicine. When asked about her hand in the decision to expand Heathrow Airport, the minister simply responded, “well, all those people from the plane companies were awfully nice. I didn’t want to make them sad.”
The shadow Environment spokesman, Mr Frogsworth, remained adamant. ‘This is merely yet another blunder by this Labour government. I have personally seen Ms O’Rally-Spectacular’s school exam results, and she completely failed O-Level Latin. I assure you that no Tory minister is lacking in such a fundamental qualification. Our Environment minister scored brilliantly on all the Classical languages. He is, unlike most Labour ministers, a brilliant academic, having once heard Rachmaninoff’s piano concertos.
Labour has yet to make an official announcement on the issue as Ms O’Rally-Spectacular has lost the keys to the Government and forgotten the password to the computer.
Ms O’Rally-Spectacular refuted suggestions that she was a moron, saying “I have voted Church of England all my life.”