Local authorities remove oxygen from town centres

Sun 13 December 2009
By Ross

Millions of proud Britons all over England, and some parts of Wales, have not only been disallowed from celebrating Christmas by the government, but are now being told that they are no longer allowed to respire with oxygen - our national gas for centuries.

The new measures were drawn up by a Labour think-tank in order “not to cause offence to the other gases now common in our country.” It was revealed in a report last year that our country’s air is now less than 30% oxygen. Unfounded reports have already come forward saying that Birmingham City Council has renamed its air “Diverse Mix of Gases”, much to the outrage of the newspapers fabricating these reports.

What I’ve read in this morning’s paper is unacceptable,” says Norman Housemartin, the BNP spokesperson for gases. “This is an oxygen country and if people don’t like our gases, they can go back to the country where they came from.” When asked to cite the cases that enraged him the most, Mr. Housemartin says “I’ve not seen any real cases of this name change myself, but anecdotally, I think we have a real issue here.

A government spokesman denies any allegations of a proposed “Anti-oxygenic Task Force” that will enter citizen’s homes and ensure they aren’t respiring any oxygen. “We just don’t have that capability,” admits Roger Flatpack, minister for chemical affairs, “if it were up to us, we’d be able to invoke and enforce bans with the efficiency of Oliver Cromwell himself. I don’t think any of us have achieved that, but certainly everyone in parliament aspires to the level of the greatest Statesman in British history.”

We’ve seen these reports springing up everywhere that’s we’re bringing in bans on our beloved gas, but the truth is we’re just not competent enough to carry through such plans. We did discuss plans to reduce the amount of oxygen in our public areas to ease tensions from the nitrogen community, but we’ve found it near impossible to prevent people respiring as they will. In fact Birmingham City Council themselves are respiring as much as anyone.”

The BNP yesterday released an official statement citing these reports as proof that “The PC brigade have gone mad” and called for anyone expressing any form of sensitivity to anyone else to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.