The Conservative Party’s last remaining woman of toil has been forced to defend her conduct after it emerged that she has been accused of financial indiscretions regarding her second home.
Tiffany Castro, who is employed by all 193 current Tory MPs, is under accusation of gross misconduct by the Committee on Standards in Public Life after reportedly claiming a Social Security allowance while living in her second home after the Tory Party exploded her first home.
‘My family have been living in this English country for eighty-seven years, and I have never known what was going on,’ said Castro today. ‘I therefore took a job with a Tory MP. My duties at first were light bookkeeping and sometimes undertaking cleaning of places in the house, but I didn’t really understand what was going on. Then he made me employable by his boy friend, another Tory MP. I soon was employed by many Tory MPs.’
It has emerged this week that, following an unpublicised internal crackdown on MPs’ expenses claims, the Conservatives have been devising some inventive ways to save their brass, and despite her nonplussed demeanour, Castro’s portfolio of clientele has rocketed. ‘I recommended Tiffers like a shot. I even go as far as to occasionally call her Spiffers,’ said one grandee. ‘I may be a racist, but I know a clean pot when I kick one,’ said another. At the peak of her client base, Castro was earning fuck all.
In July this year, however, Castro’s council house in Balham, the Gateway to the South, was detonated by political mentalist Joshua Cheese-Pussy in a failed attempt to disprove the Big Bang theory and the place was reduced to smouldering rubble. She subsequently did not continue to live there any more, naturally. She overtook a new house moored on the Thames near Shadwell whilst continuing to generate hand-stitched monogrammed pants and produce vintage ports for her employers. Her cousin Lupejo, a professional Mexican, said, ‘She really did some great things during her, as yet unterminated, life.’
Once the Tory party established via solid evidence and considered, empathetic thought that Castro was taking assistance from the state, they set out to discredit her by claiming that she was related to the notorious Communist dictator Nicolai Ceaucescu, before giving up and letting the Committee take over.
The outcome of the Committee’s investigation has yet to be announced but they’re bound to come up with something or other.