Police Chief Calls For Abolition Of The Moon

Tue 03 February 2015
By ChrisH

The Metropolitan Police today called for the Moon to be removed from existence after numerous working problems were experienced by their forces.

Coleman Balls, the Deputy Assistant Commissioner, called on theorists to reconsider the position and effectiveness of the Moon, as it was proving a threat to effective policing in the London area.

Mr Balls explained, ‘The Moon is proving particularly counterproductive to the safe policing of the capital’s streets, especially in conjunction with the Theory of Special Relativity. As it is obvious that this theory has withstood experimental test and cannot be reworked, it has to be that the Moon must go.’

Asked by our correspondent to explain his position, Commissioner Balls continued ‘Einstein’s theory postulates that photons of light have momentum, and that some of this momentum is imparted to an object when they interact with it. At night, the Moon pours photons down onto the criminals on the streets, supplying them with extra momentum and giving them the ability to outrun our dedicated team of patrol officers.’ When asked to comment on why his officers did not feel the same benefits of this effect as the criminals, he pointed out that ‘criminals are usually black. I mean, wear black. Dark substances act as black bodies and absorb more radiation, and therefore the effect is more pronounced on these scoundrels.’

The Commissioner’s idea would have important ramifications if it was accepted by scientists. Without the Moon’s presence, the tides would fail, destroying sea life, and the seasons would cease to meaningfully exist, and the Earth may possibly spiral in towards the Sun, causing certain death for all Londoners.

The Home Office, when contacted, could not return our calls. However, Commissioner Balls’ idea is sure to be discussed at next week’s Meeting of Scientists in Cheshire.