Prostitutes More Smarter Than Previously Thought

Tue 03 February 2015
By ChrisH

A group of some scientists have revealed that prostitutes have a sophisticated grasp of mathematics, including the discovery of concepts hitherto unknown to mainstream research.

Research carried out by psychoscientists at Brixton University has demonstrated that prostitutes only ever congregate on street corners in prime numbers. Prior to this, it had long been assumed that prostitutes employed basic dynamic processes as an evolutionary consequence of dealing with drunken customers. Prof. Abject Poverty of the University’s department said ‘Hookers were always thought to have evolved to tout for business according to the logistic equation of population growth, and were therefore limited by the natural resources that a stretch of pavement could provide. However, these results suggest that some new, hidden, factors could be determining their distribution’.

Prof. Poverty and his colleagues have been able to show that the random walk process, when applied to slags, is intrinsically flawed, as they are subject to a previously unknown factor termed ‘insubordinate dependence’. This effect causes the women to be financially attracted towards supplies of narcotics, which distorts the mathematical things of the random walk theory. Prof. Poverty’s team has observed that a superposition of prostitutes’ attractors bears similarities to the distribution of prime numbers, and may eventually lead to a more thorough understanding of non-integer-dimensional surfaces.

The results have aroused controversy in the scientific community, however. Dr Brian Awsh of UCL said ‘the whole thrust of their argument is likely wrong. Their sample size of 412 prostitutes in the Milton Road area of Cambridge is far too small to be representative of the neighbourhood as a whole’, while his colleague Dr James Ypres added ‘Look at my face.’ However, Laris Hilson, of the Collectors’ Guild of Prostitutes, said ‘This research may yield some interesting insights for the analysts of the sex industry. The idea that prostitutes could influence the proof of the Riemann hypothesis is not a new one, but a public vindication of their relevance in this field is long overdue.

There is some way to go before the ladies of the night are able to provide any relevant research data. However, the identification of two previously unrelated branches of science has many researchers excited. ‘Who knows what this could lead to?’ asked Prof. Poverty, questioningly. ‘There is new research being undertaken on infinite series of prostitutes that should hopefully be able to provide further insight into what, I think, is a very attractive young area.’