Virgin birth prompts review of abstinence-only programmes

Thu 25 December 2014
By Ross

Judean officials have confirmed reports of a pregnant teenager giving birth today despite new abstinence-only programmes now entering their second year of running.

Sources close to King Herod informed WAFTI that they received news this morning that a teenager named Mary has in fact successfully given birth in the small town of Bethlehem, Gloucestershire. This birth is controversial as the Bethlehem district has, for over 18 months now, been a forerunner in the campaign for teenage abstinence as a form of birth control.

Judean governmental figures have long cited abstinence as “the only form of birth control to be 100% effective” and in August 2 B.C., the Herod administration brought in a Judean-wide campaign to educate teenagers as to its benefits.

However, protest groups have been claiming since the programme’s introduction that it is intrinsically flawed. “We’ve said from the start: this programme is founded on untruths,” claims Helen Trout, head of Leave Your Hat On, a pro-condom pressure group, “The simple fact is that if we are to promote real birth control, then we must be educating our youngsters that they need to be safe whatever decisions they choose to make. This incident is a kick in the face to our government’s ill-advised schemes.”

It’s a hard issue, certainly and, at a stretch, we could see teenage sex figures going down, but when it comes down to it our only shot at stopping this flow is to promote safe usage of condoms. This incident has brought the issue to a head and I hope now we see a push in the right direction.”

This morning’s birth has certainly stirred a lot of controversy and it remains to be seen how the government will move in light of these revelations. A source close to King Herod informs WAFTI, “The King is deeply troubled by the birth of this child. It is unacceptable that such an anomaly should be allowed to ruin such a beneficial programme and King Herod has promised to take whatever action is needed, however drastic.”