Google Announces Web-Based Pie and Mash

Wed 04 February 2015
By ChrisH

Search engine giant Google has achieved another technological feat by unveiling the world’s first online pie and mash shop.

The announcement is being seen by analysts as another attempt by the software behemoth to cash in on gaps left open by its rivals, including Microsoft and Apple, in the new and emerging market of meat and vegetables. The product was revealed this morning in the canteen at the firm’s headquarters in Mountain View, California, in Google’s inimitably quirky style, with invited journalists and software executives handed pork pies in the shape of pork pie-shaped mounds of mashed potato.

The new venture is intended to exploit the vegetable-loving habits of teenage children, which until now have been ignored by most major greengrocers and software corporations. Google’s Director of Thinking, Jono Pfthan, said ‘This announcement comes in response to a growing trend in America of people beginning to adore pies and mash. It follows the unveiling of our new operating system, Chrome, developed in response to a strong demand for operating systems from people who own PCs.’ ‘We always aim to score’, he added mysteriously.

Google’s new Cockney-esque website is designed to offer the authentic experience of East End cuisine from the convenience of your own cybercafe. The site currently offers around 17,000 varieties of pie, although Google have stated their intention to ramp up the product count going foward. The page also offers various varied varieties of vegetable side dishes, including bean sprouts, aubergines, avocados, peas, lentils, garlic bread, brocolli, squash, samphire, spinach, peppers, mushrooms, kale, chinese cabbage, yams, split peas, zucchini, rutabaga, celery, lima beans, water chestnuts, rhubarb, monorail onions, lemongrass, chard, Mexican sour gherkins, winged beans, Malabar gourds, Davidson’s radish, epicurian shallotts, okra and even potatoes. Carrots are also projected to be offered at a later date, subject to logistical considerations.

The site is not yet fully developed, and is currently still in beta-carotene, but plans exist to introduce new techniques to channel foodstuffs directly to users’ PCs via VoIP (vegetables over IP). Google announced it has developed a test system which allows jellied eels to be hurled across a river, but have not released any further details. The company expects demands for its pie and mash products to be high, particularly from areas of the world traditionally associated with food.

Microsoft have stated that they have no plans to introduce a rival to Google’s latest offering, stating through a spokesdude that they were concentrating on maintaining their fiefdom in other, probably more evil, ways. Apple told WAFTI that vegetables are the company’s natural enemy, and therefore they were going to run away and hide and invent a talking mattress in response. The Linux empire could not comment as it had gone to the pub.