Virgin Broadband Customer Loads Google

Tue 03 February 2015
By ChrisH

An ecstatic customer of a well-known internet service provider announced today to a packed press conference that Google had finally loaded.

The breakthrough, occuring at 01.30 this morning, could herald a new era for consumers, meaning they may soon be able to occasionally access basic websites in the very small hours. ‘This could quite literally change my life, and many others’, the mystery customer was heard to say between the elbows of photographers. ‘I confidently predict that I may now be able to conduct a Google search query by the middle of next year.’

This incident marks the first time that a consumer of what broadband companies term a ‘service’ has been able to achieve a full page load without inducing severe foot-based damage to their machine, let alone the downloading of any material. In July 2008, a user in Pitlochrie reported the successful downloading of a small string of text, but was widely criticised for concocting the story for publicity reasons.

It is understood that the customer, who did not want to be named, and the internet service provider in question, which could not bear to be named, have been affiliated which each other for several years. The affiliation has been described by acquaintances of the customer as a ‘relationship of extreme inconvenience’. Sources have informed WAFTI that there has been almost no contact between the two, the company seemingly having preferred to maintain a somewhat elusive presence. It is said to have employed various changes of identity in the last few years in order to avoid being tracked with swords. However, it is reported that the company has been less than thorough in covering its tracks. Observers point to the fact that, upon its last renaming, the company initiated a multi-million pound publicity campaign announcing the rebranding. ‘If this company existed in compact physical form,’ said the customer, ‘then I would throw it into a pond.’

The specific cause of the unnamed customer’s dissatisfaction was evident, once identified. WAFTI has managed to track down a packet of the customer’s internet traffic, after it was remanded for not following the standard internet protocol. The packet was observed acting irrationally at an optical-elecrical junction, shortly before it was intercepted by an entity acting for the company who would identify herself only as Janet. The suspect packet was evidently frustrated at being detained, and was observed quoting its quantum numbers forcibly several times. According to nearby datapackets employed by BT, the packet was initially cooperative, but after being refused a handshake several times was bundled violently to the floor and only managed to escape due to an unexpected quantum tunnelling event.

WAFTI managed to capture covert film footage of the confrontation, which was today described by experts as ‘of little help.’ ‘Our analysis suggests that WAFTI’s actions in viewing the incident resulted in alteration of the measurements recorded by the detecting equipment, which had the effect of making the situation appear much worse than it would otherwise have been,’ said an expert. However, other experts disgreed. ‘It may be that WAFTI’s timely intervention has prevented a catastrophe,’ claims one. ‘Had this packet successfully reached its destination earlier in the evening, it could have spawned an influx of literally tens of this ISP’s customers being able to access the internet, severely overloading the company’s infrastructure and causing the internet to burn down.’

There has since been no comment or attempt at a pithy one-liner supplied by the company responsible. Sources quoting the president of the company referring to customers as ‘one hundred percent cuboidal arsepiping’ have since been nearly all proven drunk or were confused by his beard. The story has not, in fact, been taken up by the Daily Mail, which has since not twisted the issue into a polemic piece on the state of the housing market or given it a Nazi-sympathetic twist. The ISP itself has not been contacted by WAFTI, as they were considered too incompetent to respond with a statement that was not patronising.

We apologise for this broadband story being erroneously listed under ‘Technology’. This oversight will be corrected once our new section, ‘Wagon Wheels: The Internet Of The 18th Century’, is complete.