The head of the fire service in England and Kent has expressed his reservations over the deployment of 4-foot fire engines in the fight against conflagrations.
Sir Malcolm Burnley told WAFTI that the Labour government’s plans to deploy miniature fire trucks filled with little weak shrunken men to man them could seriously affect the fire service’s effectiveness in doing whatever it is they do.
‘The Home Secretary has clearly not thought this one through’, said Sir Malcolm, on the eve of his wife’s birthday yesterday. ‘Anyone who’s ever seen Thunderbirds will know that most fires will easily reach the height of an average interstellar spacecraft, and in this day and age, we need bigger fire trucks, not smaller ones.
The initiative is understood to have been introduced in response to sweeping budget cuts flying across Whitehall. ‘Simple mathematics dictates that when the dimensions of a solid are reduced by a factor of 2, its volume will decrease by a factor of 8’, said a Home Office spokescomedian. ‘Therefore, by merely halving the length of a fire truck, the government can reduce its expenses by nearly 88 per cent.’
‘Of course, this will mean that they will only be able to carry one eighth of the water that they could previously carry, and all of the personnel would have to speak in high-pitched voices and brandish their fists regularly at no-one in particular, but we do not feel that the service will be compromised at all.’ When asked to justify this clear lie, he declined loudly.
WAFTI understands that, if successful, the downsizing scheme could be rolled out to the other emergency services, and possibly then to theatre producers such as Andrew Lloyd Webber and Cameron Mackintosh. There is even understood to be rumours about the Home Office of the entire country being shrunk in order to fit into the middle of France, allowing the UK to save billions on the renting of expensive prime real estate in the eastern Atlantic Ocean.
WAFTI has since discovered that these rumours in fact came from ‘Chemotherapy Bob’ of Borough High Street.