Government looks to glasses ban to curb violence

Mon 31 August 2009
By Ross

Despite protests from those not so keen on the idea, the Government squeezed out an early day movement this morning that looks to ban glasses in pubs by 2011.

The Home Office insists the idea is “fine” and that they “really know what they’re doing here.”

Last year in England and Wales, 99% of attacks that took place in or outside public houses were committed by people who could see. The Home Secretary hopes that preventing visually impaired individuals from accessing corrective glasses will reduce this percentage signficantly.

The British Beer Drinking association were indignant, claiming such a measure would impact on their drinking as well as their ability to find the pub at all.

Not impressed

For the bevvy aficionado, finding the pub is a top priority,” chorused the regulars at the King’s Prawns, Cheddington during a WAFTI school trip. “I have no idea how I can even begin to get blind drunk without my glasses,” added the baritone.

An unelected spokestenor went on to explain that they would most certainly not welcome any attempt to take away their glasses, threatening to create a spectacle if they were to attempt to do so.

Why should we be punished when we’re not causing any trouble at all? Us myopics cause the least amount of trouble around here — whoever heard of someone with glasses getting into a fight? It’s those 20-20 bastards you need to watch closely.”

Economic pressures

The Prawns landlord — a wonderful countertenor — says he fears increased financial pressures would result from the proposed legislation.

Half of those twats that come in ‘ere are blind as bats without their specs,” sings he, with an irreverent, yet melodic feel. “There’s bound to be extra spillages and breakages if they’re prone to knocking over their drinking vessels.”

This proposal is incredibly short-sighted and I don’t think the Government is looking at the big picture. Our politicians really lack vision on these matters and I don’t see how they think this will work. We’ve had enough of them blindly throwing legislation about like this.”

Yeah, whatever

The ministers behind the proposal were dismissive of all negative claims and are looking forward to seeing this measure through.

People forget there was a time when nobody wore glasses,” explains Gavin Fairweather MP. “We all had to adjust from not having glasses to having them, so in time we feel people will accept this paradigm shift. Besides, they can wear contact lenses.”

Pub-goers are said to be “furious” at the MP’s remarks. “Contact lenses, my eye!” exclaims the tallest one.