Met Office Announces Upgrade Of The Weather

Sun 01 February 2015
By ChrisH

The Met Office has today announced a multi-million pound program designed to improve the UK’s weather.

In what the Met Office has described as a “knee-jerk reaction” to the Arctic weather conditions prevailing across much of middle England throughout January, it has secured government funding to begin a series of stepped improvements to the general climate of the country. A total of ¬£22m has been earmarked by the Home Office to increase the frequency of warm, sunny conditions and reduce rain showers and snow and wind.

It is understood that nobody knows anything about the project, but WAFTI fortunately managed to find a spokesman to tell us something. “This exciting new development opportunity will end the miserable weather we have been seeing across the country recently, and bring some much-needed warmth and cheer to a depressed population”, claimed Tony Danza, head weather designer at the Meteorological Office.

Danza managed to indicate that a program of bright, sunny periods will be rolled out by mid-May, followed by prolonged warm, sun-bathed days and sticky, humid nights envisaged to begin around August. However, current funding is projected to last until the beginning of September, after which the future of the initiative remains unclear. Commentators predict a return to chilly, windy conditions by November, and even the possibility of recurrent snow-storms going into the new year.

Danza believes, though, that the project will not suffer. “We expect to receive further funding by July to continue the project for the next couple of years, once initial results have been analysed,” said Danza. “Of course, at this early stage we cannot comment on the situation “4th quarter”, but confidence among both the investors and government remains high.”

What form the project would take, if extended beyond the new year, is still being heavily thought up, but is thought to entail a gradual phasing-in of temperature extremes, oscillating chaotically with increasing frequency, until the trees are rent from the very earth and all land-life is purged in a dust-bowl of dead, sulphurous brimstone. It is likely that rail disruption could increase during this period.

Several other proposals were considered before the current one, known as “Nero”, was settled upon. Plans to postpone Autumn by three months were vehemently opposed by train companies, fearing that their sophisticated leaf-removing equipment would be unable to cope with being operated in slightly colder weather. Another proposal to distribute free whisky to airport baggage-handlers throughout the winter season was rejected as unnecessary.

The initiative has been met with a cautious welcome by business leaders and all the other special interest groups that there are. It has, however, been strongly opposed by various environmental campaigners, although they werent sure why. WAFTI contacted one prominent green group for their opinion, and was met with gales of laughter.

England’s Bruce Forsyth was generally more upbeat, saying “This stuff sounds great. It’d be nice to see them come and speak to me about it, as a human being”. WAFTI also contacted a Home Office spokesman for a statement, but he was talking too quietly.