New archæological finds dispute existence of Wales

Sun 01 February 2015
By Ross

A lacklustre archæological excavation conducted near the bantam town of Ross-on-Wye, Hertfordshire, by local serfs has unearthed significant evidence to dispute the long-held-until-today claim that Wales exists.

The discoveries include lost documents indicating a conspiracy orchestrated by the Roman governor of Britain, Publius Ostorius Scapula, in which he attempts to impress emperor Claudius by inventing military conquests. Historically, historians have always attributed the first invasion of the area of Wales to Ostorius, but it now appears his account was purely fabricated because he had run out of real places to invade.

The whole basis of the history of Wales stemmed from the Romans first conquering the area,” explains Brian Superior, a Welsh historian. “With the credibility of that event blown out of the water, there’s little reason to accept Wales as having existed at all.”

The startling revelations have stirred up controversy in Westminster with MPs questioning the expense of devolution for a country that doesn’t exist. Calls have been made by several backbenchers to cut back on Welsh MPs’ expenses as well. Ieuan Wyn Jones, the current leader of Plaid Cymru is expected to appear before an inquiry to explain what the party has actually been doing for the last 44 years.

Leeked papers from the Welsh Assembly show that up to 40% of its members may well have been aware they were legislating for a nonexistent country and were fully aware it was little more than a Roman clerical error.

News of the controversy has caused much unrest amongst Welsh citizens, with public demonstrations being held in Cardiff, Swansea and Newport. Mass walk-outs have been staged at the DVLA in protest at the possibility of removing powers from the Welsh Assembly.

These allegations that we don’t exist are discriminatory and unfair,” reads the largest sign we could read from our hotel room. Another placard read: “The goverment should tread very Caerphilly.”

Virgin trains are “taking precautions” and have cancelled all services to Cardiff for fear they may have been plunging them into the Irish Sea this whole time. Arriva Trains Wales however insists it is maintaining “business as usual” and is also not running any trains.

The results of the inquiry are expected to be broadcast by the end of the week. Television bosses are yet to confirm whether they will bother showing it on S4C.