World’s Youngest Baby Born

A dilapidated hospital earmarked for destruction was celebrating today after hosting the birth of the world’s youngest ever baby.

Guy’s Hospital in London was, until today, scheduled to be blown up in the government’s anti-hospital white paper published last week. Standards have been falling consistently over the last several decades, as a result of shabby work practices and some annoying syringes. But the staff and patients’ malais turned to jubilation this morning as a baby was born that could spell the end of the hospital’s woes.

My husband and I had lots of sex about nine months ago”, said Tracy Smithford from her bed, “but it was still quite a shock when I found out I was pregnant. So I travelled here to Guy’s in the Toyota. Before I came here, I just assumed that I’d be having a normal, boring baby, and I never even imagined that I’d give birth to such a little miracle.”

Doctors monitoring the baby’s progress estimated that a few minutes after birth, the child was only a couple of minutes old, one of the youngest babies ever to have been born. Subsequent research showed that, prior to this, the baby was likely to have been less than one minute old for a brief period, thus claiming the title of youngest baby ever recorded. Speculation that the baby could have been exactly 0 minutes old for an infinitesimal period was rife among mathematicians, and confirmation is expected within a few days.

The accolade has delighted management at Guy’s Hospital, who are hoping that the notoriously bandwagon-jumping Labour government will reverse their closure decision, pump millions of pounds into new equipment and staff and paint the building in nice gold paint. An order is expected to be placed for a large banner device to be dangled from the exterior frontage of the building in commemoration of the Gulf War.

We love that this couple chose to have their baby here”, said senior nurse Colin Wang Tang. “We’ve all been wondering what this child will achieve in its life, after this great start it’s had,” said his colleague, head porter Vicenzo Chianti. “My view is that he’ll attend one of the great public schools, graduate from Oxford Brookes, and run a successful shipping law firm, before losing his fortune on the horses and late-night pay-per-view and ending his life in a ditch in Guildford on fire.”

Following the record-breaking birth and the money and publicity that it brought, parents everywhere are now likely to be humping maniacally in the hope of claiming the title for their little child. At this stage, however, experts suggest that the likelihood of a baby being younger than one minute old, even for a few seconds, is just a pipe dream for most.